Chief Undead Officers – Who’s the best Mortarch to work for in the Mortal Realms?

It must be tough being Nagash. Sigmar keeps nicking your souls, that many underworlds are a nightmare to manage – why has one started filling with rats? – and then there’s Teclis. Do not speak of Teclis in Nagashizzar – especially if the boss hasn’t had his morning coffee. 

The Supreme Lord of the Dead has such a vast empire to run, he’s had to hire some Mortarchs. These VPs of the unquiet dead are powerful commanders, logisticians, and backstabbers who each administrate a different vertical of unlife (though like any good project manager, he’s likely to pop in to check up in person from time to time – even the Mortarchs have KPIs). 

Obviously, each of the factions of this fractious Grand Alliance comes with its own business challenges. But which division of the dead has the best employee reviews?

Ushoran, Mortarch of Delusion

’Tis a fine thing to find yourself in service at New Summercourt. The lords and ladies of this fair kingdom can be found engaging in lively discourse with their peers over many a grand banquet, with fine victuals and rare delicacies – but so much rich food leaves some feeling sick to their stomach. What we mean to say is working lunches do go on, and you are not reimbursed for purchases over a certain value – drinks not included.

To pledge troth to Sumeros Summerking is the greatest honour imaginable, and to catch a glimpse of his handsome countenance or be privy to one of his stirring orations is pleasure enough that one might go mad without. Or at least, when Ushoran comes swaggering past your desk, you’ll need to make a good show of upholding those key company values: integrity, accountability, insanity transparency.

Toil hard, fight well, and perhaps even you may be called to sup from the crimson chalice and achieve knighthood. A noble goal! Though year on year, only those related to the abhorrants that occupy the court of directors seem to have any upwards mobility. Perhaps it’s time for the serfs to form a union…

You don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps.

Lady Olynder, Mortarch of Grief

The legions of the Nighthaunt are a place where ambitions thrive. Home of the avaricious, the murderous, and the treacherous, this ghostly gang is essentially Nagash’s R&D division for ironic punishments. Rusty scythes supplied.

Your colleagues are immortal and unkillable, while phasing through walls comes in mighty handy. The boss is in the same boat, and she’s a relatable presence in this line of work. In life, Lady Olynder courted compassion through false remorse, and she’s since broken the shadeglass ceiling in death to reach the top of this key ghost operations division. She now seems to carry all the grief in the Mortal Realms within her – workplace culture stems from the top.

They do say misery loves company, and your associates are all suffering from the cruel humour of the CEO – like one big (un)happy family. The punishment always fit the crime, which means everyone is playing to their core competencies in service of a single dream: the eradication of the living. Job satisfaction remains stubbornly low.

Katakros, Mortarch of the Necropolis

The mission statements for some of the divisions of Death can be a bit vague – and downright confusing in the case of the Flesh-eaters. Not so for the Ossiarch Bonereapers, who have the simplest task and the clearest deliverables: disregard everything else, acquire bones. It’s the ultimate KPI.

Unlike those creatively bankrupt vampires who just raise skeletons out of the dirt and call it a day, the Ossiarch Bonereapers seek to continually iterate on the body’s greatest natural resource by melding multiple skeletons together into bigger, better wholes. Why become a mindless, shambling drone when you could be the almighty left arm of a really cool Gothizzar Harvester?You also get the best boss in the business – Katakros – who was such an apex general that he even gave Nagash a hard time. That he got to come back as a giant, pristine demigod rather than an ironically tormented spirit says a lot about how much the God of Death respects him, and Nagash respects practically nobody.

Neferata, Mannfred von Carstein, Arkhan the Black

Bureaucracy in Shyish is dead slow, so if you’re looking for a quick route to the top, you might as well make the most of your tormented undeath and sign up at a Soulblight recruitment agency. First, the positives: if you are killed again you’re practically guaranteed to be re-reanimated, and you won’t miss out on recompense no matter how often your ribcage is caved in. The cost of clothing is right down, too – the patina of ages is in fashion right now, that oxidised iron you’re clad in? To die for... again.

Now, the negatives: management. You’re a minimum-wage (that’s 0 in Shyish) employee in service of a grasping Necromancer or scheming Vampire Lord, and neither cares about your wellbeing in the workplace. Trace that corporate structure upwards, and you’re ultimately working for Mannfred von Carstein.

Or are you instead part of a triple-cross, truly an agent of Neferata? Or was that for your previous resurrection, and are you this time actually the result of a foul experiment by Arkhan the Black? The organogram is practically a scribble.

It’s enough to make your head spin, and given how many ligaments you’re lacking, spin it will.

Which of the Mortarchs would you rather find yourself in service of? Let us know on Instagram or Facebook.

* He’s a part-time hand model too.